Couples, Marriage, and Friendship (bid and response)

Drs. John and Julie Gottman founded the Gottman Institute, based on 40 years of research including over 3,000 couples. During their research they invited 130 newlyweds to spend a day in the Institute’s bed-and-breakfast-style laboratory. The Gottmans claim 94% accuracy in predicting who will be happily married six years later (only about three couples in 10), vs. who will be either divorced or chronically unhappy in their marriage.

Particularly important for successful marriage was the response to a “bid” for interest or connection from one’s partner. Those couples who would be divorced in six years responded positively to the bid only 33% of the time - vs. 87% for those who stayed together. For an overview see Masters of Love in The Atlantic, June 2014 [paywall]. For more information without the paywall, see the site of The Gottman Institute.

Bid and response are worth our attention in many human relationships: friends, lovers, and colleagues as well as marriage. Do you really want a long-term or closer relationship with this person or group? If so, be ready to go out of your way to learn and share their interests. And note whether they do the same for you.